Am I Trans?


I have been away for awhile obviously, the reason is simple; I have been very busy. I have not taken a break from crossdressing, in fact I have gone even deeper into it.  But I have decided to come back to this and ask the most important question, am I Trans? This is a heavy question that I am sure we have all asked.  So what is the answer? Yes I am, wait No I’m not, maybe I am… what do you mean by trans? And this here is always a confusing question and the answers are stuck in wording.  Now to be clear language matters, the english language is an absolute beast with words for everything and it is important to use the correct word to describe something.  So, what does Transgender mean? In current usage it means someone who feels they are the opposite gender and may choose to live as or become the opposite gender which seems simple enough.  But today it is assumed that if one is transgendered than they want to go all the way, in part because of social norms of two genders only and that the term transsexual who is someone that becomes the opposite gender and sex has fallen out of usage in part because transsexual  had some fetishistic aspects strongly associated with it.  The same thing happened with the term crossdresser which is wearing clothes across the gender divide which replaced transvestite which means across clothing.  We moved away from the term transvestite because it was a fetish.

Now for me am I transgendered? The answer to this either very long or very short. The short answer is yes I am transgendered in many ways.  The longer answer is obviously much more complex but I am going to attempt to work it out a bit here.

Do I want to become a woman?

Well now we get into sex or gender territory.  First I will deal with sex, so do I want to be female? As I have written before if I could become a female fully for a period of time and then be able to go back to being male then I would definitely go for it. But I do not feel gender dysphoria in the way that I feel like I am in the wrong body and need to take the hormones and have surgeries to make me female.  Yes I want to experience being female but do not need to become female.  If I could be a bit shorter, thinner, and a slightly less low voice, so be less masculine, I would totally go for it. If I were able to pass with some clothing, breasts forms, padding, a wig, and a make up I would be very happy. But that is outside the realm of possibility, even with a dump truck of hormones and all the surgery I will always look like a man.  I suppose the one exception to that is breasts, I would like to have breasts but that is a discussion for another day.

Now as for gender, so being feminine and embracing my femininity or to become a woman with out all the medical procedures? That gets a bit more complex, as I am sure it does for most of us. While I tend not separate the masculine and feminine aspects of myself into him and her for the sake of some clarity here I will. I prefer and am more comfortable as her, as in wearing women’s clothing and living as her than I am as him.  But I suppose part of it is that her life is a lot less stressful than his life and perhaps being her is a bit of an escape from the stress of his life.  Mind you I deal with so many aspects of his life while being her that maybe it’s a moot point after all I am him and her.  I love my slim fit women’s jeans, I love the way my breasts push my shirt out and show off some cleavage, I love the fun coloured panties that cover just enough, and I love the way my legs are wrapped in my skirt.  To be honest if I could just be a guy who wears women’s clothing with no negative social impacts I would likely swap out the majority of my masculine wardrobe for feminine. And maybe after awhile of all these things becoming my normal everyday I would scale back and have a bit more balance in my closet.  But I do not want to become a woman in the sense of living as her and called a woman, I am totally fine with being a man who is feminine so call me he even if I am wearing a skirt.

So to answer the question as to if I want to become a woman while staying male, I want to be live my life as a woman just not completely. And that is where the problem is, in societies current way of acceptance you are a man or you are a woman all of the time not either one some of the time.  I want to be able to get up in the morning and be which ever I feel like that day and not have to choose to be either all of the time.  If I could go into work one day him and the next day as her with no social impacts that would be perfect.  Some would say I am gender fluid which is reasonably accurate but doesn’t quite fit. Bigendered is likely the better term if I were to go with one, I am both masculine and feminine and enjoy aspects of and being both.  The problem with that is that for me him and her are both the same, after all I don’t change my name when dressed. My name here is a pen name and is just short for my middle name Jesse, though I have been leaning towards Jessie the feminine form of it for awhile to more highlight my femininity, which are both very old traditional Scottish spellings of it.  That said I have no particular need for people to call me Jessie, which may also be because my first name while more commonly associated with boys is also a girl’s name. So really it is more about adhering to social norms of having a separate name and also the traditional purpose of a pen name being to protect myself.

Now back to the major question. Am I Transgendered? On the common understanding of it, no I do not want to become a woman fully and completely. Now as for someone who crosses genders and expresses both genders yes I am transgendered but that term doesn’t really fit.  As for am I a crossdresser? Well if we say it is one who wears the clothing of the opposite sex then obviously I am.  If we say it is one who wears the clothing of the opposite gender then it gets a bit more hazy, after all some days it feels like the boxer briefs are crossdressing and panties aren’t while others it’s the other way round. And truthfully, I am more comfortable with crossdresser than bigendered. So am I a bigendered crossdresser? Well I am a male that wears women’s clothing but does not want to be female so I am a crossdresser. But I am also someone who is both a man and a woman, so I suppose bigendered fits.

Thoughts on this?

Also I have missed writing for my little blog here, it really is a great platform for me to work through some of these thoughts and issues and in the process maybe help someone else out there.  I am going to try to keep up with it a bit more.

8 thoughts on “Am I Trans?

  1. Sounds like you’re struggling with the same identity issues I went through for two decades, Jess. Of course your journey is your own and how you respond may not be anywhere near how I did, but here’s the conclusion I reached:

    My sex is male, and I want to keep it that way (although, like you, I wouldn’t mind if I could briefly experiment!)

    My gender is male, and I want to keep it that way.

    Whaaaaat? But… I don’t just wear dresses, I wear super-feminine dresses that drape me with satin and ribbons and bows and ruffles… I cry easily, I’m terrible at sports, I’m more nurturing than my male friends, I run from any kind of confrontation (physical or verbal), I prefer imaginative/creative games to active games… doesn’t all that point to having an inner gender identity of female?

    No. Bear with me… all those things only mark you as “female” if you buy into society’s artificial construct that girls have to act one way and boys have to act another. What rule says that only girls can wear dresses and only boys can play football? So that’s how I came to the conclusion that I’m a man who happens to do some things that “society” declares only girls can do. You know what? Society can bugger all, I’m not buying what they’re selling.

    It’s not a spectrum, either. “Well, you’re 45% of the way to being female”. That feels wrong too, because I don’t just have subdued masculine traits and heightened feminine traits. It’s more like a dim sum (or a la carte, or cafeteria) selection. “Ooooh, I’ll have a big plate of wearing dresses, a side dish of playing with dolls, and a big helping of enjoys violent movies, some hypercompetitiveness…”

    See? There are bits of me that are VERY strongly identified (by that old ogre Society again) as masculine, and bits of me that are VERY strongly identified as feminine, and some slight inclinations one way or the other. I’m not just a guy who wears dresses and does those other girly things; I’m a guy who does those girly things AND plays violent video games, watches violent movies, gets an aggressive overcompetitive streak (admittedly with board games rather than sports, but still…) AND can’t tell mauve from puce AND leaves his dirty clothes in a big stinky pile on the floor (which makes for an odd sight of men’s jeans and t-shirts in a jumbled mix with nylon panties, velvet gowns, and satin nightgowns but I digress)…

    For a while I thought “nonbinary” was the label for me, but nowadays if I have to use a label at all (I’d rather not), it’s “gender nonconforming”.

    Does that make sense? I don’t blame you if it doesn’t. Like I said, it took me over 20 years to get here from “Clearly I’m a girl trapped in a boy’s body” when I was a teenager.

    1. Ha! I just now saw that you already read my longer version of this on my own page, and commented on it. So I guess my comments above must seem like deja vu to you 🙂

      1. Yup, went through a big king post after being gone for awhile and then went through my list to see you, yet again had written something similar. Shame we are in different countries as I could get together for a few drinks.
        But yes traditional gender roles are 99% bs. And the spectrum is better than the dichotomy we had but in reality gender is more of a 3d scatter plot with no clear p values, it makes sense if you know statistics.
        I think it’s the requirement to be categorized that causes the most issues really. Like you I play some very violent video games. But my Skyrim character is female, well second play through atleast. Fluid or bi gendered, or someone who is male but is a man and a woman. Basically gender is a mess.

  2. Jess,
    It is good to see you writing again. Your particular views and insights as expressed in your commentaries are often rather enlightening. I have long wondered if I am trans anything and have struggled with the words that are most commonly used to discuss the subject. I am a guy who is very happily married to a wonderful woman and our children are now grown and gone. I think I have stepped away from trying to find a definitional spot on the so called spectrum and now use the verb rather than the noun. I cross dress. I love to dress in hose and heels and makeup and a wig. Pants are for my time in guy mode as I favor dresses and skirts. I wear panties and pantyhose under my slacks every day while in guy mode. I find that the clothing of women help me stay in touch with some form of my inner spirit.

    I am also a large guy. While in guy mode I am the big guy. the word big is often used as an adjective with my male first name, “Big ____”. In HS I played both ways as a center and as an inside line backer. Passing in public as a woman is a bit of a stretch. It is not realistic. Nevertheless, I have a strong desire to be out and about with the civilian population while finding a connection to my inner self.

    When I can I do like to get out of the house fully dressed in makeup, heels, dress and wig. There are a few bars that I get to for a glass or two of beer or wine. Somehow just sitting at the bar while dressed is a good feeling. Additionally, while most of the time when presenting as male I will wear socks over my nylon clad ankles, on many occasions I eliminate the socks so that if anyone were to look carefully they could see my hose I have even started the practice of wearing nude or beige pantyhose under shorts. Perhaps that goes unnoticed by some but if anyone were to look they would know that the big guy was wearing hose.

    In guy mode I deal with lots of difficult and stressful situations. That is the nature of my profession and I do hope to retire soon. I find that when dressed as a woman I can partially shut down the stresses of my male existence and step back a bit and revel in being a softer, gentler person.

    I find myself in general agreement with what you have had to say. It is not easy being of a frame of mind that has issues defining itself by the norms and practices of the times.

    Please try to write more often since I really do think you have something to say,.

  3. Jess
    I had a comment prepared but I hit the wrong key. Let me try to recreate parts of what I had to say.

    Thank you for starting to write again. Your commentaries are always well thought out and interesting. I find your experience with cross dressing quite similar to my own.

    I think that many of us have tried to find a way to buy into the concept of fitting in somewhere on the transgender spectrum. What we do and why we do it is often too hard to contemplate. It often defies logic and that incongruity often plagues many of us for years. I have stopped trying to use any of the terms commonly discussed as a ‘noun’ to describe myself. Instead I use for form of a verb, “I cross dress”. I cross dress like I drive a car, like I cook, like I golf, like I do lost of other things. When I drive a car I suppose I am a driver… when I cook, I suppose I am a cook…when I golf, I suppose I am a general laughing stock.

    Like you I am a big guy. I am often referred to as the big guy. Many friends refer to me as “Big —-:, I high school I played both ways, as center and as a linebacker. Size does matter both for playing football and for the pipe dream of passing as a woman.

    At my age I have come to realize that I will never pass as a woman. That does not mean that I will hang up my heels. I like to get nicely dressed and I have found a few friendly bars where I can go for an adult beverage or two and where I have found comfort and acceptance as just another patron at the bar. I hope to be able to expand that to restaurants and perhaps other activities.

    I am nearing the end of a 4 decade career in a high stress, high competition, high anxiety field. I find comfort and solace in my dressing. I have been wearing panties and pantyhose under my slacks since Reagan was president. I now often also wear a cami or bra under my regular male attire. For years I would also wear socks over my hose. Now I often allow my nylon clad ankles be there to be seen if anyone were to look carefully. Over the past few years I have also started to wear pantyhose under shorts with some frequency. I find it oddly confirming being out with exposed pantyhose while at the store or in a restaurant.

    Like you I have long tried to explain my proclivities, first to myself and then to my wife. It is not an easy task. Many years ago, when the boys were rather young, I came across a great deal/steal on a Porsche. I bought the car and I loved it, as did my sons. My wife only drove it once. She could drive a stick but she simply stated that “I just don’t know what you see in that car…It does not even have any cupholder”. My response was “If I have to explain what I like about the red Porsche sports car…I can’t”. I think the same is true, in large measure, about cross dressing. She does not know why I like wearing pantyhose, bra, wig and heels…all of which can be a tad less than a comfortable set of sweats. Like I said, “If I have to explain it I can’t”.

    Please keep writing. I have always found your commentaries to be thought provoking.

    Pat

    1. Wait you’re just leaving the Porsche hanging? I need some details here. I have always loved Porsches but being tall I don’t fit in cars. But a few years ago I had a few hours to kill I’m the next city over so I stopped by the dealer. I start by saying I’m not in the market I just love them and want to see if I fit. Well over the next hour and a bit I was placed in different Porsches and told the features and walked through every as if I had $120000 to drop. And it turns out I for perfectly like a glove in a 911, the definately out of my price range car. But their idea is that maybe I couldn’t get or that day but 10 years later maybe.
      Though your description of the situation seems like a good analogy. Think of a purse like cup holders, sure life is great without them but it’s better with them.

      1. On the Porsche story. I had done some work for PCNA the company that imports the cars and they had a potential lemon that they had to buy back. There was nothing wrong with the car . The owner, who was upside down in a lease, complained of the ‘smell of gas’ when the car was in the garage. I bought this 1986 Porsche 911 for $12K. It had 25000 miles on it. When I traded it in many years later with 130,000 miles on it the dealer gave me $9K on the trade. That car did not owe me a penny. That was back in the 1990s.
        About 6 years ago I came across an even better deal. The grandmother of the wife of a guy I knew had her son pass away. The son was a never married shrink who had a lot of toys, including a 1992 Porsche 968 with only 10K miles on the car. He kept it in a garage under two car covers on a trickle charger. I bought that car for $10K. Porsche only made the 968 for 3 years and only sold 4-5000 of them in the US. This car was cherry (actually the color was aubergine green). Not a speck of dust on it and all the rubber was perfect. It would be another 10 years after 1992 that Porsche bit the bullet and started adding cup holders to their cars. I drove the car for two years but only added another 1-2000 miles to it. At the time I lived in a house with a 160 foot driveway that was uphill from the garage to the street. One night I was fully dressed with 3″ stilettos and I decided to take the Porsche out for some exercise. This car with a 3 liter engine had a very stiff clutch for its 6 speed manual tranny. Backing up the driveway required riding the clutch. In my heels my calf cramped. The pain was terrible but I could not let the clutch out all the way or kick it down.
        It was a great car in all respects except it was just too snug for me. I had plenty of leg room with the seat all the way back but my butt was just a bit wide for the seat. My older son is a total car nut and has been since he was a baby. He does all his own work on his cars. On his 30th birthday I gave him the car and he has taken good care of it ever since. He detailed it and has entered in in car shows and has won trophies for the car. After one show there were a bunch of Vette owners who challenged him to a run. He took them on the back roads in the mountains and left the Vettes in his fumes. That car is now over 25 years old and is now considered historic or classic and it still has less that 20K miles. When I visit my son in the warm weather since he takes it off the road for the winter I often hop in and give it a spin. Still the stiffest clutch I have ever handled and still not cup holders.

I love to hear from people who read my blog, even if your not in agreement with me. Your comments may spur me on to write something else so please comment.

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