I have been away for awhile obviously, the reason is simple; I have been very busy. I have not taken a break from crossdressing, in fact I have gone even deeper into it. But I have decided to come back to this and ask the most important question, am I Trans? This is a heavy question that I am sure we have all asked. So what is the answer? Yes I am, wait No I’m not, maybe I am… what do you mean by trans? And this here is always a confusing question and the answers are stuck in wording. Now to be clear language matters, the english language is an absolute beast with words for everything and it is important to use the correct word to describe something. So, what does Transgender mean? In current usage it means someone who feels they are the opposite gender and may choose to live as or become the opposite gender which seems simple enough. But today it is assumed that if one is transgendered than they want to go all the way, in part because of social norms of two genders only and that the term transsexual who is someone that becomes the opposite gender and sex has fallen out of usage in part because transsexual had some fetishistic aspects strongly associated with it. The same thing happened with the term crossdresser which is wearing clothes across the gender divide which replaced transvestite which means across clothing. We moved away from the term transvestite because it was a fetish.
Now for me am I transgendered? The answer to this either very long or very short. The short answer is yes I am transgendered in many ways. The longer answer is obviously much more complex but I am going to attempt to work it out a bit here.
Do I want to become a woman?
Well now we get into sex or gender territory. First I will deal with sex, so do I want to be female? As I have written before if I could become a female fully for a period of time and then be able to go back to being male then I would definitely go for it. But I do not feel gender dysphoria in the way that I feel like I am in the wrong body and need to take the hormones and have surgeries to make me female. Yes I want to experience being female but do not need to become female. If I could be a bit shorter, thinner, and a slightly less low voice, so be less masculine, I would totally go for it. If I were able to pass with some clothing, breasts forms, padding, a wig, and a make up I would be very happy. But that is outside the realm of possibility, even with a dump truck of hormones and all the surgery I will always look like a man. I suppose the one exception to that is breasts, I would like to have breasts but that is a discussion for another day.
Now as for gender, so being feminine and embracing my femininity or to become a woman with out all the medical procedures? That gets a bit more complex, as I am sure it does for most of us. While I tend not separate the masculine and feminine aspects of myself into him and her for the sake of some clarity here I will. I prefer and am more comfortable as her, as in wearing women’s clothing and living as her than I am as him. But I suppose part of it is that her life is a lot less stressful than his life and perhaps being her is a bit of an escape from the stress of his life. Mind you I deal with so many aspects of his life while being her that maybe it’s a moot point after all I am him and her. I love my slim fit women’s jeans, I love the way my breasts push my shirt out and show off some cleavage, I love the fun coloured panties that cover just enough, and I love the way my legs are wrapped in my skirt. To be honest if I could just be a guy who wears women’s clothing with no negative social impacts I would likely swap out the majority of my masculine wardrobe for feminine. And maybe after awhile of all these things becoming my normal everyday I would scale back and have a bit more balance in my closet. But I do not want to become a woman in the sense of living as her and called a woman, I am totally fine with being a man who is feminine so call me he even if I am wearing a skirt.
So to answer the question as to if I want to become a woman while staying male, I want to be live my life as a woman just not completely. And that is where the problem is, in societies current way of acceptance you are a man or you are a woman all of the time not either one some of the time. I want to be able to get up in the morning and be which ever I feel like that day and not have to choose to be either all of the time. If I could go into work one day him and the next day as her with no social impacts that would be perfect. Some would say I am gender fluid which is reasonably accurate but doesn’t quite fit. Bigendered is likely the better term if I were to go with one, I am both masculine and feminine and enjoy aspects of and being both. The problem with that is that for me him and her are both the same, after all I don’t change my name when dressed. My name here is a pen name and is just short for my middle name Jesse, though I have been leaning towards Jessie the feminine form of it for awhile to more highlight my femininity, which are both very old traditional Scottish spellings of it. That said I have no particular need for people to call me Jessie, which may also be because my first name while more commonly associated with boys is also a girl’s name. So really it is more about adhering to social norms of having a separate name and also the traditional purpose of a pen name being to protect myself.
Now back to the major question. Am I Transgendered? On the common understanding of it, no I do not want to become a woman fully and completely. Now as for someone who crosses genders and expresses both genders yes I am transgendered but that term doesn’t really fit. As for am I a crossdresser? Well if we say it is one who wears the clothing of the opposite sex then obviously I am. If we say it is one who wears the clothing of the opposite gender then it gets a bit more hazy, after all some days it feels like the boxer briefs are crossdressing and panties aren’t while others it’s the other way round. And truthfully, I am more comfortable with crossdresser than bigendered. So am I a bigendered crossdresser? Well I am a male that wears women’s clothing but does not want to be female so I am a crossdresser. But I am also someone who is both a man and a woman, so I suppose bigendered fits.
Thoughts on this?
Also I have missed writing for my little blog here, it really is a great platform for me to work through some of these thoughts and issues and in the process maybe help someone else out there. I am going to try to keep up with it a bit more.