As I travel down my personal road of gender discovery a question that has been there is really showing its head, what if I never go back? I think in part that is something that has held me back from being her as much as I would like. What if I put on the skirt one day and never really ever take it off? That fear of then facing the trans road and all that comes with that. I don’t think I have that fear anymore. While I look back on my life and realise that I have always been a girl I have also always been a boy. Had I been born female I am pretty sure I would have been content with it, perhaps a bit of a tom boy but contently female. I also know that I am content being a man, I don’t feel any serious dysphoria with my body and my gender.
So what if I never go back? What if one day I go as a woman and stay as a woman? Well I’m actually fine with that now. I can’t see myself ever going all of the way with hormones and surgery but I think if I decide to just use the one half of my closet and live as a woman in a man’s body I am fine with that outcome. If I were to wake up as a woman through some means I would likely be pretty freaked out at first and then settle into it. But I am also fairly sure that at that point I would start to feel some gender dysphoria. I am pretty comfortable with being all woman but with one detail, I don’t have any desire to be ALL woman if you catch my drift.
In summary I guess I don’t have any fear that I will never go back because I enjoy being a man, I just happen to also enjoy being a woman. I think releasing myself from this fear has allowed me to go deeper than previously possible. I am now allowing myself to fully embrace my femininity and all that comes with it, knowing full well that I am always able to go back.
So if you are sometimes wondering the same question then I suppose the answer is, if you cross over and never go back then you just never go back. Enjoy it and live your life as you.