One day I have to go back and I don’t really want to


With the holidays and some time off I’m am coming up to about a month of living as a woman 90% of the time. And I have really enjoyed it, I have been able to explore and learn about a whole other part of myself like I haven’t been able to before. This has been on the whole a fantastic experience and I no longer even feel a bit out of place just wearing women’s clothing for a week straight, though being out and about is still a bit of challenge. A few weeks back I wrote a post about What if I Never go Back where I finally came to conclusion that if I just never go back to being a man I think I would be fine with it. Now I am coming to a point where I am going to need to go back and I don’t know how I feel about it. Here is what I like about living as a woman.

I like the clothes, pretty much everything about them actually. The look the feel and most of all the variety. Men’s clothing is so much more limited in terms of look and ones ability to change up their look on the day. Shirt options for office, golf shirt, short sleeve dress shirt, long sleeve dress shirt, and that’s about it. Women’s clothing on the other hand is way more varied and interesting.

I like having breasts, no really. I have been wearing them pretty much all of the time and am now to the point where not having them on is the weird feeling. I like the shape they give my chest and the way they feel.

I love makeup, I have fallen in love with putting on makeup in the last few months. I like the way it makes me look of course. But it is also love the process of putting it on, it is almost meditative in some ways. The only part I’m not loving is shaving my face again.

I am really enjoying the big earrings, bracelets, and necklaces. Sure I wear these items fairly often out and about anyways but having them proudly on display, especially the earrings is so freeing. Not really ready to give it up.

I like having a purse. I seriously do enjoy having a purse. It’s super handy to have a bag to carry all of my stuff in. My phone wallet and keys don’t always go in but my glasses, lip balm, and other assorted items go in and it’s super handy.

Most of all I like the way I feel. Since I accepted my bigender nature I have been working out regularly and while I have not lost as much weight as I would like I am trimming up a fair amount and clothes that were tight have loosened up. I enjoy being happier with myself and the life I am living. I look forward to the next day more than I used to. I am eating better, I am sleeping better, and I am just happier.

So I’m not opposed to being a man, I enjoy being a man, and I am likely in a honeymoon phase of some sort but as I get closer to having to go back into the world where I can’t be her all of the time I am feeling apprehensive about it. Will it be weird? Should I ease myself back into being who I have been for the last three and a half decades? The problem is that in current society it is still expected that we will be either man or woman all of the time, and switching back and forth is too hard for people to deal with. If I was trans then people would in some ways be more accepting of that. I am not looking forward to needing to be a man as much I will need to be but I am also not a woman all of the time. I guess I will see.

6 thoughts on “One day I have to go back and I don’t really want to

  1. So… what compels you to go back to being a man whether you want to or not?

    For what it’s worth, I carry a purse all the time and I fully present as male. I just call it a “courier bag”. I even joke about it being a purse and then laugh and correct myself “I have an extra pen in my purse… oops, I mean my man-bag, ha ha ha”. With all the junk (double entendre intended) guys have to carry around, I don’t know how we manage without a purse or manly equivalent. Wallet, keys, phone, glasses, sunglasses, maps, tablet computer, chargers for the various devices, multipurpose knife/tool/thing, lens wipes for the glasses, coins, cough drops… and since I have all that room – nail clippers, lotion, lip balm, nail file, flashlight, kleenex, knee-highs in case I tear the ones I’m wearing (I guess most guys don’t need that, but whatevs), allergy medicine, pizza coupons, a note pad and tape for when somebody’s not home and I need to leave a message on their door, stamps, a lighter, a spare battery…

    If circumstances require you to present as male, at least underdress so you can have the comfort of your favorite clothes against your skin.

    1. Social pressures compel me to put on the male clothes again to operate in daily life. I have been using a messenger bag for years, actually a few of them, but my default has been my seal line bag. I can fit all of my daily gear in them and ride a bus, bike, walk, car, or any other mode of transportation. I am mostly moving it over to my purse or my tote for heading to work and everything else of the sort. One job I am open about being bigender and am slowly incorporating it into everyday work, but that job is not full time yet. My other job would technically be much more accepting by the employer but the amount of direct interaction with the public in unusual situations makes it less viable. So perhaps I’ll keep the jewellery and light make up for now.
      As for underdressing, yes I gave up men’s underwear sometime ago, wear women’s socks, and regularly wear bras. I guess the real question is that underdressing or overdressing? Meaning which one is the authentic?

  2. I have many of the same feelings that you do. I do feel much more comfortable while dressed. We are on vacation and I am on line while wearing blue pumps and print dress. I have not put on a wig yet but I have one with me, along with a purse and makeup. I hope I get a chance to go out fully dressed at least once or twice while we are away from home. At my size I do not pass but perhaps my wife will ease up and not be so fearful of my being recognized.

    1. Ya, it starts to get to the point where I am wondering which way is the crossdressing? I suppose for me since I have moved into Bigender neither are, but it’s starting to feel like being her is the default as opposed to the other way around.

Leave a Reply to Kandi Robbins Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s