I have looked back on this blog and my life and I have always tossed the idea of me being all out Transgender aside. It seemed like such an outside idea. I look back on my life and I always wanted to be a girl and a woman as far back as I can remember. I have gender dysphoria, there is no doubt there. That said I also don’t have the same pain and severe emotional turmoil that you typically hear from transgender people. I’m not overly depressed that I am male and a man, I don’t hate my genitals or my assigned gender. I read or hear transpeople talking about their dead name or their life as their assigned gender as if that person is dead and it seems so sad and depressing. I haven’t hated my life and don’t hate being a man. I don’t need to be a woman, I am just much happier and more comfortable as one. So that naturally means I am not trans then. But then yesterday:
I was laying on the bed just after I had done my makeup and gotten dressed and was killing a few minutes before heading out. I laid there feeling the weight of my silicone breasts on my chest, the makeup on my face, and the softness of my top. I was at peace for the first time in a long time and everything felt lined up. Going full time and going on HRT didn’t seem strange or out of reach. It seemed like the future. I was happy and content. I realised that it was one of those few moments of clarity we get in our lives and it shouldn’t be ignored. It was the best high ever.
So what does this mean? These moments of clarity should not be ignored, they are rare and precious. I don’t have the same fear and reservations I have before about the possibility of being a woman. So I think I will pursue it and set my fears and doubts aside and see what happens. Slowly see if my future really is feminine. I need to know the truth about myself but am not going to rush it. I will plan this out and set some minimum time limits for things like HRT if I decide to go the route.
I’m happy and content at the moment and want to see if it continues.